I know that many of you who were fans of 24 have a hole in your heart or a wound that’s infected now that it’s gone forever. Monday nights won’t be the same without a healthy dose of CTU and counterterrorist activities, 10 explosions, and a dozen maimings and killings, plus Tony Almeda coming back to life each year. You don’t find “leadership” role models for effectiveness, efficiency, and durability like Jack Bauer anywhere.(NOTE: After being whacked on 24 as our President David Palmer, Dennis Haysbert decided to get Allstate insurance before starring in The Unit. Smart move.)
As a tribute to Jack and all of you devoted fans and those of you who didn’t know him, but who read my blogs, I threw together a list of some facts you may not know about our hero gleaned from several Internet sources, plus my own twisted spin. I hope they bring back a few fond memories and a chuckle or 2.
ENJOY!
TOP 10 FACTS ABOUT JACK BAUER YOU DIDN’T KNOW!
10. When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for assistance.
9. The film The Shawshank Redemption is loosely based on events from one of Jack’s summer vacations.
8. In kindergarten, when Jack's teacher said recess was over, he broke her fingers.
7. When Jack does push-ups, he doesn't push himself up, he pushes the earth down.
6. When Jack sees a crime in progress, he doesn't call for backup; he just calls the coroner.
5. Jack irons his own clothes... while he's wearing them.
4. When Jack’s eyes get red and dry, he uses pepper spray to make them better.
3. When Jack meets a prospective date, he tells her: "You've read my file... you know what I am capable of."
2. Jack gives Tylenol a headache.
AND THE #1 FACT ABOUT JACK BAUER:
1. If you want to abolish the IRS, have them audit Jack.
HAVE A FANTASTIC FALL!
COPYRIGHT © 2010 Ronald A. Berk, LLC
WEED WHACKER DISCLAIMER:
When I weed (the verb) my yard, I try the following strategies: yank the weeds out by their roots; cut them with a machete, whacker, clippers, or saw; mow over them; stomp on them; spray systemic poison on them; strangle them with my work-glove hands to not leave any fingerprints; smother them with mulch, boulders, and tar paper; shoot them with my 50-year-old B-B gun; and pummel them with a Louisville slugger baseball bat (Well, maybe, not exactly; it was a Hank Aaron aluminum bat!).
Then, guess what? Yup, you’re right: I was promptly arrested and thrown into the Slammer, the BIG House. WROOONNG! Of course not. What were you thinking? What happened is that, after the next rain, those weeds and their demonic little offspring came back with a vengeance like the botanical version of zombies from Michael Jackson’s Thriller video. (SIDEBAR: I’m having so much fun with this metaphor!)
Anyway, I want to be like Jack Nicholson-A Few Good Men “crystal clear” that I am not condoning any of the preceding actions in your department. Well, maybe the baseball bat would be okay. Naaah!
No matter how bad the weeds are or what they do to you everyday of your work-life to cause you misery and pain and impede your productivity, homicide is not the answer. Yes, I know Adrian Monk and Jack Bauer are no longer available, but Horatio Caine (CSI: MIAMI) is still kickin’ and can be found on Sun. nights this fall. Murder is just not worth the consequences, because those weeds will probably come back like real zombies and invade your classes. Who needs that?
My next blog will suggest specific techniques for killing the weeds in your department. Now you can go load your weapons. See ya soon.
COPYRIGHT © 2010 Ronald A. Berk, LLC
WHY REJECTION?
You’re probably wondering why I write and speak about disappointment, rejection, and failure so often. Or, maybe not. The fact is: Writing productivity is proportional to writing rejection. Since my last blog, I've received 3 manuscript rejections. The more I submit to peer-reviewed journals, the more I get rejected. At least, that’s been my formula for rejection throughout my academic career. Even in retirement from JHU, I’ve been figuratively smacked all over the place by editors several times a month. Those manuscripts that have been published are not produced without significant scarring. It is a continuously humbling experience.
EDITORIAL DECISION OPTIONS
Anyway, the issue is what to do when you get whacked by a journal editor. The rejection menu usually consists of the following:
• Unconditional Acceptance, which means: "We love you!"
• Conditional Acceptance with Minor Revisions, which means: "We like you, kinda!"
• Rejection with Major Revision to Resubmit, which means: "You’re a moron!"
• Rejection, Do Not Resubmit Anywhere in the Universe, including British journals, which means: "Consider another career or stay in your lab and don’t come out!"
YOUR RESPONSE: When you receive 2 or 3 reviewers’ comments, which may be as short as 1 page or as long as 3 pages single-spaced, what do you do?
A. Cry
B. Drink alcohol
C. Take a controlled substance
D. Put out a contract on the editor
E. Torture the editor using Jack Bauer’s techniques on 24 until he or she reveals the names of the reviewers
F. All of the above
Did you get it right? After you've recovered from one of these initial reactions and had time to calm down and put your chainsaw back in the garage, do you revise or not?
So, do you suck it in, buck up, hunker down, and make the revisions or try to dream up other colloquialisms for this sentence?
My next blog will answer this question and suggest strategies to attack reviewers’ comments before you undertake any revision. Let me know your pub experiences. I hope you've had a higher hit rate than me.
COPYRIGHT © 2010 Ronald A. Berk, LLC
Today there are 100s of publishing houses. In fact, some of them use “house” in their names. After the previous bloggorino, you should have some inkling on whether you need a trade or academic publisher. Let’s probe these options in a little more detail.
TRADE PUBLISHING
Commercial trade publishers, such as Random House, For-Sale House, and Fore-Closed House, require only a detailed prospectus of your planned book to make an initial decision. I recommend checking individual publisher prospectus requirements.
The biggest problem is that most of these publishers rarely consider unsolicited manuscripts, unless your name is Tom Wolfe or you wear white suits. You need to hire a literary agent or secret agent to promote your submission. (Note: If Jack Bauer wasn’t preparing episodes for the spring season of 24, he would be an ideal choice to persuade a publisher to publish your masterpiece, if ya know what I mean. Wink. Wink.) Rejection rates are typically greater than 90% (kinda like the best journals). If you’re not Stephen King or Dave Barry, find another band. If the publisher is interested in your work, it will request a more detailed or extensive “treatment” of the content.
In general, if your book is accepted and published, you will receive a “book advance,” in lieu of royalties, which is one lump sum to be determined by the publisher. If you’re a newbie unknown writer, that amount is usually less than $1 mill. That’s it. There are no regular life-long royalty payments. Instead of the advance, some publishers may offer a royalty of 10-15% of net sales until the book is dead.
ACADEMIC PUBLISHING
Commercial academic publishers, such as John Wiley and His Sons---Jossey Bass, Cliffs Notes, and Betty Crocker (Can you believe that John named 1 of his sons Betty?), and university presses, which are covered in lots of ivy on high towers, typically require a brief prospectus, including a content outline and a couple of sample chapters. Check individual publisher prospectus requirements. Rejection rates with these publishers are also extremely high with the exact percentage locked in a vault somewhere in Langley, VA.
Once your book proposal is accepted, you can negotiate a royalty, which is typically in the range mentioned above. Sometimes publishers will consider a graduated scale, such as 10% for up to 2000 copies sold, 12.5% for 2001-3500, and 15% above 3500. These escalating rates encourage the author to promote his or her book to receive the higher rates. The publishers usually only have to sell a few hundred books to cover all production, printing, and distribution costs. They’re already riding the gravy train while you continue to market your book. (Marketing will be covered in a future blog.)
I hope these options help to clarify where you need to direct your publishing efforts. The next blog will address one of the most popular choices for trade books and most dissed and evil option for academic books: self-publishing (aka “vanity publishing”). Keep on writing.
Please comment on your publishing experiences and any of the above.
COPYRIGHT © 2009 Ronald A. Berk, LLC
