“TOP 10 ‘FUN’ WAYS U.S. PROFESSORS CELEBRATE THE 4TH OF JULY!”

Here’s the TOP 10:

10. They enter a British-owned pub near campus and ask for Miller Lite

9. A few U.S. history profs get together like in days of yore and play with their muskets by loading them with gun powder, salt, and cayenne pepper, then inserting a piece of flint, ramming everything down, and finally dropping in a musket ball, which would pop out because there was no space (this usually took 2–3 days during yore, which delayed the Revolutionary War)

8. Physics profs go to a park and explode cherry bombs under Jaguar and Rover hubcaps to see if they can blow off tree limbs on the way up

7. They have a GIANT family cook-out with s’mores and monster blood-sucking mosquitoes, gather around their 52-inch flat screens, wave sparklers, and sing catchy, upbeat, patriotic tunes like “The Burning of Charleston” or “Siege of Savannah,” accompanied by Keith Lockhart and the Boston Pops

6. Ex-Marine profs who traced their roots to the Continental Marines in Philadelphia dedicate the day to watching the NCIS “Dear Abby” marathon on USA

5. They Google “macaroni” to figure out why anyone without a frontal lobotomy would stick “a feather in his cap and call it ‘you know what’ [without cheese]”!

4. Profs in Boston gather at Paul Revere’s Old North Church to polish their antique silverware and Rachael Ray cookware, which incites Emeril Lagasse to riot

3. At deep Southern institutions, profs, dressed in knee pants, tight stockings, and white wigs with ribbons, dust off the campus cannon, load it with accreditation self-studies and annual reports, aim it at the president’s mansion, light the fuse, and pray it doesn’t blow up in their faces

2. Touristy profs in Bermuda shorts and T-shirts dig out their ole’ fife-and-drum and march in the Williamsburg, VA, parade alongside the soldiers who are sweating like pigs in their period costumes in 95º heat and dropping on the cobblestones like sweaty pigs

AND THE NO. 1 “FUN” WAY:

1. Washington, DC-based profs enter the Starbucks^® in Georgetown and then, dressed as Washington Redskins, ceremoniously toss 2 grande cups of Monkey-Pod Decaf Italian-Arab Roast coffee into the Potomac River (NOTE: There’s also a New England Patriot version of this way.)

HAVE A SPECTACULAR 4TH!!!

COPYRIGHT © 2011 Ronald A. Berk, LLC